:: Friend or foe! ::

The mother, who was so eager for a 'Chand si Bahu', searching endlessly for the perfect match for her son, has a complete change of heart once this sought after girl becomes a member of her household! She eyes her with suspicion, considering her to be someone out to topple her from her throne

By Yasmin Elahi

Raheel is sitting in the lounge completely at a loss about what to do! Yesterday he had promised his bride that they would go out for dinner and a long drive (as it was a weekend) and have a good time together. When he came back from office, Mummy announced happily that Auntie (her sister) had called. She was throwing a surprise party for her daughter and they all were invited. Now Raheel was at a loss as the two women (who were the most important in his life) refused to budge. Aneela, his wife, was in tears at the expected change in the programme, promptly labeling him as "Mama's Boy". Mummy was in a dark mood because he had not informed her of his plan earlier, accusing him of being a 'Joru ka Ghulam' (Henpecked).

The mother/daughter-in-law rivalry has been a topic of debate for ages. The arguments put forward by both sides are so strong that one is at a loss to judge who is the oppressor and who the oppressed! But the most important point to ponder on is --- is this rivalry necessary? Life is all about caring and sharing. With a small amount of common sense and a positive approach this relationship can blossom into a very fulfilling one.

The mother, who was so eager for a 'Chand si Bahu', searching endlessly for the perfect match for her son, has a complete change of heart once this sought after girl becomes a member of her household! She eyes her with suspicion, considering her to be someone out to topple her from her throne. After all, her house is her little domain where she is used to making the decisions and implementing them. Deciding what to do and when to do it; making the household budget, hiring and firing of servants and even other trivial matters, like what to cook for dinner, were all her decisions which now the 'Bahu' wants to share with her. Moreover, a strange sense of insecurity keeps nagging her as she fears that the newcomer would make her a lesser important person in her son's life. She grudges it but what she fails to understand is that the daughter-in-law is not an intruder but a part and parcel of her household as well as her son's life.

The daughter-in-law on the other hand enters her new life with a lot of dreams, some of which are realistic but most are not. Romance may still be in the air, but she has to realize that after tying the knot she has started a new life as a responsible adult. A lot of compromises have to be made and she has to be practical in her demands. She has to understand that before their marriage the mother was her husband's main center of attention, and it is hard for her to share her beloved son with someone; even his wife!

The person these two love dearly is the one who suffers the most in this tug-of-war. In most situations it is impossible for him to please both mother and wife at the same time, as both the ladies refuse to understand his feelings. Although they love him dearly they make him frustrated and unhappy. In their struggle to hold an upper hand in his world they destroy his peace of mind and a cold war ensues.

What is the solution to these problems? If both the mother/daughter in law approach them in a practical manner life would be much easier for the three of them. The key to all problems is communication. The two can sit together and discuss with open hearts what their expectations from each other are and what they are willing to give in return. The two women can become fast friends or bitter foes. It is their choice!

The mother-in-law should welcome the new comer with open arms and an open heart, giving her the place she needs and deserves in her new home. Instead of eying her with distrust, considering her as someone who is out to take away her son from her, she should realize the daughter-in-law's importance in her son's life.

The daughter-in-law can reciprocate by giving the elder lady the love and respect that she expects and desires. She can settle her mother-in-law's sense of insecurity by asking for her advice and including her in small decisions thus making her feel ever important.

The solution to Raheel's ordeal: After a lot of arguments and tears, the two women cooled down. Better sense prevailed and they talked to find a way out of the situation. They decided to attend the party first and after an hour Raheel and Aneela would move ahead according to their plans. A simple and logical solution and perhaps a first step towards a long and loving relationship between the mother and daughter-in-law.